Waiting for an apology can leave you stuck for years. Maybe the person who hurt you denies anything happened. Maybe they remember it completely differently, and telling your side starts the argument again. Maybe they've moved on, moved away, or passed away. Or maybe, and this might be the hardest one, they know exactly what they did and they don't care.
If that's where you are, this post is for you. It answers one question: how do you let go of a hurt when the other person won't admit what they did?
First, the direct answer: yes, you can
In the Bible, forgiveness never depends on the other person being sorry. Scripture never says "forgive those who apologize" or "forgive when they've earned it." It sets a different standard:
"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
Colossians 3:13"As the Lord forgave you." That's the measure, and God didn't wait for you to be sorry before He acted. "While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). Their apology is not a requirement.
That's hard news and good news at the same time. It's hard because you no longer have a reason to wait. It's good because your freedom was never in their hands.
Why waiting for the apology keeps you stuck
As long as your freedom depends on them being sorry, the person who hurt you still has control over you. Every day they don't apologize, the waiting keeps the hurt going.
Unforgiveness keeps you tied to the person who hurt you. You think about them at work, at home and in bed at night. You rehearse conversations you'll never have with them. They may not have thought about it in years, and they're still on your mind every day.
An apology would be a gift. If it never comes, you can still have peace. If the hurt has had years to harden into resentment, the post on letting go of bitterness looks at what that does over time.
Jesus forgave people who weren't sorry
"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."
Luke 23:34Nobody at the foot of the cross apologized. The soldiers were still dividing His clothes when Jesus said those words. The crowd was still mocking. Nobody was sorry, and He forgave them anyway, while they were still doing it, without being asked.
So forgiving people who aren't sorry is something every Christian is invited to do. Jesus showed what forgiveness looks like when it's done perfectly, and this is how He did it.
But doesn't that let them off the hook?
No. It hands them over to God.
"Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord."
Romans 12:19Forgiveness leaves justice in place. You hand the case over to God, who saw everything and judges fairly. The debt was real. You stop trying to collect it, because you were never going to be able to.
Think about it: all the replaying, the imaginary confrontations, the case you keep building at 2am — has any of it made them pay? It hasn't. It has only cost you.
How to forgive when the apology never comes
1. Stop waiting for their version to match yours. A common way to stay stuck is needing the other person to agree about what happened before you deal with it. You don't need their agreement. Name what was done and what it cost you — honestly, before God, in writing if it helps. God was there, and He knows what happened.
2. Decide before you feel it. Forgiveness is a decision you make. If you wait until you feel warm toward the person, you'll wait forever. The feelings come after the decision, sometimes much later. You don't have to pretend you're fine. You're choosing to stop holding what they did against them.
3. Say it out loud, as often as you need to. It helps to hear yourself say the words: "Lord, I choose to release [name] for [what they did]." Say it as many times as it takes. Jesus told Peter to forgive "seventy-seven times" (Matthew 18:22), which means you keep forgiving. If the hurt comes back next week, forgive again.
Forgiving doesn't mean going back
One fear keeps many people from starting: "If I forgive them, I have to let them back in." You don't. Forgiveness happens between you and God. Reconciliation needs two people, and the other person has shown you they won't take part.
You can fully forgive someone and keep a healthy boundary. You can forgive someone you'll never speak to again. You can forgive someone who is no longer alive. Your forgiveness is real without them. The post on what the Bible says about forgiveness goes deeper into the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.
And if you read all of this and your honest reaction is "I don't even want to forgive them" , that's a place to start. "Lord, I don't want to forgive this person. Help me want to" is one of the most honest prayers a person can pray, and God has never turned it away.
Want to go deeper?
If this resonated with you, the Released Bible study is a free, guided study on forgiveness: what it is, what holding on costs you, and a gentle, step-by-step way to let go of what happened to you. It has reflection prompts, matching activities, and a personal summary you can download at the end. It takes about 45 minutes and is completely free.
Sometimes the person you can't forgive is yourself. Forgiven, the study on self-forgiveness, is for that.