How to Forgive Someone Who Isn't Sorry (and Never Will Be)

There's a specific kind of stuck that comes from waiting for an apology. Maybe the person who hurt you denies anything happened. Maybe they remember it completely differently, and telling your side just starts the argument again. Maybe they've moved on, moved away, or passed away. Or maybe — and this might be the hardest one — they know exactly what they did, and they simply don't care.

If that's where you are, this post is for you. Not the general "forgiveness is important" talk — the specific question of how you're supposed to release something when the other person refuses to pick up their side of it.

First, the direct answer: yes, you can

Biblical forgiveness has never been conditional on the other person's repentance. Nowhere does Scripture say "forgive those who apologize" or "forgive when they've earned it." The standard is set somewhere else entirely:

"As the Lord forgave you." That's the measure — and God didn't wait for us to be sorry before He acted. "While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). Their apology is not a requirement.

That's hard news and good news at the same time. Hard, because it takes away the reason to wait. Good, because it means your freedom was never in their hands to begin with.

Why waiting for the apology keeps you stuck

As long as your release depends on their remorse, the person who hurt you is still the one deciding how your story goes. They hold the key, and every day they don't use it, the waiting quietly continues the hurt.

Here's the uncomfortable truth about unforgiveness: it doesn't protect you from the person who hurt you. It binds you to them. You carry them into rooms they've never entered. You rehearse conversations they'll never have with you. They may not have thought about it in years — and yet somehow they're still in your head rent-free.

An apology would be a gift. But if it never comes, it cannot be the price of your peace. If the hurt has had years to settle and harden, our post on letting go of bitterness looks at what that weight does over time.

Jesus forgave people who weren't sorry

Nobody at the foot of the cross apologized. The soldiers were still dividing His clothes when Jesus said those words. The crowd was still mocking. There was no remorse anywhere in sight — and He released them anyway, mid-act, unasked.

That matters, because it means forgiving the unrepentant isn't some advanced spiritual technique for exceptional Christians. It's the original pattern. It's what forgiveness looked like the first time we saw it done perfectly.

But doesn't that let them off the hook?

No — it changes whose hook they're on.

Forgiveness is not the cancellation of justice. It's the transfer of the case — out of your hands, into the hands of a Judge who saw everything and misses nothing. You release the person from the debt list you've been keeping, not because the debt wasn't real, but because you were never going to be able to collect it anyway.

Think about it honestly: all the replaying, the imaginary confrontations, the case you keep building at 2am — has any of it taken a single cent off what they owe you? It hasn't. It's only charged you interest.

How to forgive when the apology never comes

1. Stop waiting for their version to match yours. One of the sneakiest ways we stay stuck is needing the other person to confirm what happened before we allow ourselves to deal with it. You don't need their agreement. Name what was done and what it cost you — honestly, before God, in writing if it helps. He was there. He doesn't need their statement to validate yours.

2. Decide before you feel it. Forgiveness is a decision of the will, not a feeling. If you wait until you feel warm toward the person, you'll wait forever — feelings follow the decision, sometimes at a distance. You're not pretending to be fine. You're choosing, deliberately, to stop holding them in the debtor's chair.

3. Say it out loud — and repeat as needed. There's something powerful about hearing yourself say the words: "Lord, I choose to release [name] for [what they did]." Not once — as many times as it takes. Jesus told Peter "seventy-seven times" (Matthew 18:22) not as arithmetic, but as a principle: forgiveness is a practice, not an event. If it resurfaces next week, that's not failure. That's the practice.

Forgiving doesn't mean going back

One fear keeps many people from starting: "If I forgive them, I have to let them back in." You don't. Forgiveness is internal — between you and God. Reconciliation is relational — it takes two people, and one of them has shown you they're not participating.

You can fully forgive someone and keep a healthy boundary. You can forgive someone you'll never speak to again. You can forgive someone who is no longer alive. Their part was never required for your part to be real. Our post on Bible verses for forgiveness goes deeper into the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.

And if you read all of this and your honest reaction is "I don't even want to forgive them" — that's not disqualifying. That's a starting point. "Lord, I don't want to forgive this person. Help me want to" is one of the most honest prayers a person can pray, and God has never turned it away.

Want to go deeper?

If this resonated with you, the Released interactive Bible study is a free, guided walk through forgiveness — what it actually is, what carrying it costs you, and a gentle, step-by-step process for letting go of what happened to you. With reflection prompts, interactive exercises, and a personal summary of your journey you can download at the end. It takes about 45 minutes and is completely free.

Sometimes the person who isn't sorry — or can't be — is the one in the mirror. Forgiven, our study on self-forgiveness, is for exactly that.